Divorce: Rupture of the Highest Human Communion

Building from Commandments Toward Communion, and the Series on Love.
Undoubtedly, in a culture where individualism is so esteemed, it is no wonder divorce rates soar and discussion of its immoral nature is avoided.[1] Whether we are discussing an indissoluble marriage or a friendship, division is not the will of God, because the closer the relationship the greater damage a rupture of communion brings. Divorce, producing preeminently negative effects, is a rupture of the foundational communion essential for society and the formation of children in love/holiness, severing the highest and most complete communion material man is capable of, and undermining the dignity of man, which rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion.

First, divorce is a rupture of the foundational communion essential for society, severing the highest, most complete communion amid material man. Marriage (between a man and woman) is the most profound union that human beings can achieve, because human persons are sacramental, which elevates physical communion. “In marriage, the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament.”[2] Even our relationship with God is nuptial, He is our One True Lover (1 John 4:16; Genesis 17:7, Exodus 6:7, Jeremiah 7:23, 30:22, 2 Corinthians 6:16; Isaiah 45:21; 2 Peter 3:15). It is crucial to guard and maintain the sacred union of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). Discernment is essential in forming marriage and contributes to honoring its fullest meaning and preventing divorce (Matthew 19:10-12).[3] Once married, instead of longing for another life, one should consider that it could bring destruction and pain to their family and may also constitute adultery (1 Corinthians 7:8-32, Colossians 3:19, Hebrews 13:4, Mark 10:9, Luke 16:18; Mark 10:5/Genesis 2:24).[4] There is no greater indicator that one is your “neighbor” than one’s spouse whom they promised to never leave, and there is no greater form or degree of love than the nuptial (Luke 10:29–37; John 15:13, John 13:34, Leviticus 19:18/Mark 12:30-31). If our society cannot sustain the highest form of love, there will always be degradation, since hurt and sin are transmitted in place of love, and love loses its meaning.[5] Maintaining communion in a fallen world is difficult and requires grace, conversion, and reconciliation (not only forgiveness), but the good of that same fallen world depends on it i.e. on a particular marriage immediately in spiritual, social, and communal senses (Ephesians 4:31-32).[6] “I ask… that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one…” (John 17:20-23).

Second, divorce disrupts the formation of children in love and holiness. The psychological health of the child requires that, whether the bond of their parents is indissoluble, it is practically indissoluble.[7] It is worth noting that although our scope is limited to divorce, many of the effects on children mentioned here apply to other unideal familial situations. Children of divorce experience a wound of silence, where their experiences are felt irrelevant or not worth listening to, often against the comfort of parents and loved ones, due to the commonality of divorce and the culture's acceptance of its legitimacy.[8] Children of divorce experience a wound to their faith when faith communities fail them, their parents' faith is seen as hypocritical or false, and the familial language of faith becomes an obstacle.[9] Children must find a new archetype of love and a new source for the Gospel of love; God and His Church are often the only sufficient substitutes, which not all are fortunate to know or believe in. (Luke 8:43-44; 15:1-32).[10] Children of divorce experience a wound to identity, since the love that formed them no longer exists. This love, embedded in their DNA and mannerisms, profoundly shapes them, making them feel homeless between households, abandoned by the absent parent, pressured to be an adult, and forgotten.[11] Children of divorce experience a wound to their vocational discernment, feeling it is better not to serve than to risk brokenness. Statistics show children of divorce are four times more likely to get divorced themselves.[12] The situation can cause unhealthy self-protective instincts, leading to distrust of joy, a cynical view of life, fixation on positive relationship aspects, failure to discern relationships, repetition of parents' traumatic patterns, fear of abandonment, conditional love, unhealthy pursuit of pleasure and sex, disbelief in authentic love, prejudiced conflict handling, and avoidance of marriage altogether.[13] Children of divorce experience emotional wounds, enduring anxiety, fear, and anger, with sins often arising from poor parenting or coping strategies.[14] This results from the sudden upheaval of divorce, the subsequent neglect of children's spiritual and emotional needs due to their parents' devastation, and can lead to negative health effects such as disrupted brain development, other organ system issues, and increased “risk for stress-related diseases and cognitive impairments well into the adult years”.[15] Children of divorce frequently face the dismissal or suppression of their legitimate anger in response to injustice.[16] This emotion serves as a natural reaction for self-protection but requires careful management to prevent it from evolving into sin.[17] Victims of divorce may also face additional challenges including inordinate coping mechanisms, feelings of inadequacy, and tendencies toward self-isolation, stemming from various emotional responses such as anger.[18] Children of divorce experience a wound to their ability to forgive, as the cause of the pain they endure is ongoing and immense.[19] They face overwhelming demands for forgiveness due to the deep parent-child relationship and the severe offense of family destruction.[20] The ongoing negativity further obstructs their efforts, complicated by circumstances, parental attitudes, and perceived blame. Refusal to forgive, whether in the context of divorce or any offense, hinders a child's ability to receive forgiveness, strains their relationship with God, diminishes their recognition of human dignity, perpetuates dwelling on past grievances, and perpetuates relational brokenness (1 John 4:20, Matthew 6:14–15; Colossians 3:13).[21] Children of divorce experience a wound to family dynamics, where home is no longer singular and often includes/will include the addition of “new” family members and distance from “old” family members, additional family gatherings during holidays, and ongoing conflict between parents channeled through the child.[22] These complications can leave a child feeling like an outsider, enmeshed in a relationship with a parent, perceiving themselves as a parent, or having great difficulty in establishing boundaries. Further, emotional difficulties unfold when milestones take place in their lives and when the child’s children reach the age of reason where questions are asked about the family. All of this is what the Catechism means in saying, “children [are] traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them”.[23]

Third, divorce undermines the dignity of man, which is fundamentally based on his calling to communion with God, by fracturing the profound union established in Christian marriage, betraying the sacramental nature of the marital bond, and replacing love and understanding with bitterness and alienation. “The entire Christian life bears the mark of the spousal love of Christ and the Church. Already Baptism…[is] the nuptial bath which precedes the wedding feast, the Eucharist. Christian marriage… [is] the sacrament of the covenant of Christ and the Church" (Ephesians 5:1-31; Hosea 2).[24] In a Christian marriage, breaking the vows which imply "I will choose you without exception" is a profound betrayal, since it directly contradicts the solemn promises made. Divorce is a direct affront to the love and unity intended by God and further undermines human dignity since it considers one’s spouse unlovable (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:21-33).[25] In the betrayal of each other, we betray Christ (Matthew 25:31-46). Anytime we take exception to God's will, it undermines our dignity, because God’s will is that we have life in its fullest sense (John 10:10; Romans 8:28).[26] Asserting exceptions to Christ’s commands undermines communion with God because there are no legitimate exceptions to His will (Genesis 3). [27] The Church upholds this through natural law, emphasizing the unbreakable nature of God’s commandments relating to our nature’s good.[28] The Church does tolerate civil divorce in situations of dire hardship but one ought not to confuse this tolerance with belief in the possibility of or right to sacramental/ontological un-marriage. Situations, where civil divorce is tolerated, are 1) “Ensuring legal rights”, 2) “ensuring the care of children”, and 3) “protection of inheritance”.[29] Each time we reject God's will, we erode our dignity, leading to a cascade of negative consequences for ourselves and society.[30] Since the communion is as strong as death, the fracture is experienced within the persons themselves.[31] Divorce is tantamount to living a lie in an enduring fashion that infects the highest human institution of love (shy of the Church) with murderous virulence.[32] Viewing a spouse as the enemy signals a severe breakdown in communication and understanding, and further ought to be addressed (Ephesians 4:26-29, Matthew 18:15-20). True marital love requires spouses to bear each other’s burdens, emphasizing solidarity and mutual support/obedience (Galatians 6:2-5, Ephesians 5:21, Romans 12:10; Philippians 2:3; 1 Peter 5:5; cf. Luke 1:46-55). Love is the efficient cause of the mutual, abiding, dialogical state of communion between persons which results from the unity of both parties willing the good of the other through vulnerability, love of God is its force/energy/source/matter, peace is its precipitate, and goodness, truth, and beauty are its form.[33] Enduring difficulties is inherent to marital vows, which anticipate times of richness and poverty, health, illness, good times, and bad times. These challenges should be embraced as part of the marital commitment, underscoring the resilience and sacrificial love that marriage demands. More than that they are an opportunity to reveal the true nature of (married) love. Conflict is an opportunity to demonstrate unconditional acceptance amid challenges; recognizing others as struggling sinners rather than enemies who are beyond divine forgiveness. (Romans 12:18; Hebrews 12:14-15, Matthew 5:9; Proverbs 27:17, 1 Peter 4:8, 1 John 4:20). Trust is essential in all relationships, particularly in marriages, which involve a relational and sacramental connection to God, and in discipleship, which also holds a relational and somewhat sacramental aspect (Matthew 18:19-20; 1 Corinthians 13).

In conclusion, it is clear why God not only prohibits divorce but hates it. The Church upholds three essential premises in its understanding of divorce as contrary to the moral law: 1) Christ commanded against it, and Scripture specifically denounces it; 2) it invariably harms all involved, regardless of a union’s context or dissolubility; and 3) it fails to honor the sacramental bond of marriage, the aspect of sexuality, and the nature of humans made for communion. Divorce profoundly damages children by neglecting their spiritual, moral, and emotional development, irrespective of cultural claims. Just as one's virtues benefit society; one's sins and wounds inflict harm; divorce exemplifies this dual effect. Divorce represents a grave betrayal, attempting to sever the highest communion that God Himself has authored. Marital communion thrives on self-sacrificial love, seeing the other as a struggling sinner rather than an enemy. Scripture provides clear guidance on how to avoid such a rupture and maintain this sacred communion.

Written by Carter Carruthers

A talk by Beth Sri can be accessed here for those in interested in finding healing as an Adult Child of divorce: https://seekreplay.com/video/97 
 

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1. Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, (Vatican: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 2005), 221.; John Paul II, Encyclical Letter on the Value and Inviolability of Human Life Evangelium vitae (25 March 1995), §23.
2. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2nd ed. (Washington, DC: United States Catholic Conference, 2000), 360.
3. CCC, 1779-1780.
4. CCC, 2384.
5. Evangelium Vitae, 23.; CCC, 2207, 2385, 2331.; CSDC, 221.
6. John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation on Reconciliation and Penance in the Mission of the Church Today Reconciliatio et paenitentia (02 December 1984), §16.
7. Francis, Apostolic Exhortation on Love in the Family Amoris laetitia (19 March 2016), §170-172.
8. Daniel Meola and Bethany Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 2023), 29-43.
9. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 59-69.; CCC, 239.
10. CCC, 2197.
11. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 85-102.
12. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 121-140.; CCC, 2385.
13. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 121-140.
14. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 170-186.
15. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 170-177.
16. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 178-179.
17. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 180-186.
18. Thomas Aquinas, Summa theologiae, II-II, q. 158, at New Advent, www.newadvent.org.; CCC, 2302-2303.
19. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 207-218.
20. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 207-218
21. CCC, 2842, 2845.; Reconciliatio et paenitentia, 16.
22. Meola and Meola, Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, 241-256.
23. CCC, 2385.
24. CCC, 1617.; John Paul II, Encyclical on the Role of the Christian Family Familiaris consortio (22 November 1981), 13.
25. CCC, 2150-2151.; Carter Carruthers, "Mercenary Love and Its Inadequacy", Vivat Agnus Dei, July 28, 2024, https://vivatagnusdei.blogspot.com/2024/07/mercenary-love-and-its-inadequacy.html.
26. CCC, 397, 1817.
27. CCC, 397.
28. CCC, 1954.
29. CCC, 2383, 2384, 2386.
30. Reconciliatio et paenitentia, 16.; CCC, 27, 460.
31. CCC, 2385.
32. CCC, 2384.
33. ST, II-II, q. 23.